lots of words...

Dear Journal,
I just sent my emma sissyness a b day card! ^_^ I hope she has an awsome day, she deserves loads of happiness. Especially with the people she's met in her life, i tell ya a select few deserve to have me cut their chance's of ever having kids with a blunt spatula!!! v.v
Anyhow things here are going good, i was off work sick yesterday but i'm better now, i slept most of the day ^^.
I'm writeing staz a letter, its long x.x, I've barely gotten started and its 6 pages long XD. Its more like a damn book!
Hmmm I went to kitty n matts yesterday, dropped off matty bro's cd which he left in my car. Saw Daniel, his uncle and his flat mate having coffee on the porch. His uncle told me he was all keen to show for drinks on saturday but he ended up having no mates, they bailed. Told him i know how it is when you get comfy at home and to be quite honest i really didn't care. If Daniel choose's not to show then thats his problem and his loss.
He hasn't been out here to talk to me yet, Sure, i like him a lot and he's the first guy i've ever kissed butttt i'm not dumb enough to get myself caught up. I never allow myself to be dragged into the happy romantic feelings people seem to get all swept up in. Nope i had to be born 'wise' and make sure i have my eyes wide open at all times v.v...somtimes i do wish i could be so naieve and just let myself fall with no way of knowing whats below...but i can't afford to because in life i only have me to save myself.

Here's a little of how things wen't
22/7/05
"Dear Journal,
Whats going on? To be quite honest i wouldn't have a clue, these last couple of days have been one big not so bad blur.
My wendsday ended memorably, I went to work, had a kinda sucky day. Packed a few more things in my old room at mums. Got the dogs some blankets from the salvation army and found a candle holder i thought Kitty would like, had some stuff for her anyhow.
I took the things to kittys and was going to let her know i wouldn't need to stay there the night as John was no longer at the house. I knocked on the door but no one answered, i don't know why i waited, i thought they may take a while to answer the door as they somtimes do.
I leaned on the wall and watched the shell and green stone swinging from the mirror in my car. Then Daniels car pulled up as i tried knocking again, He called out that he'd just dropped them both at her mums house so i hung the bag on the door making a move to leave asking if he knew when they'd be back. He wasn't sure, i invited him out to the house on Saturday and told him i'd invited kitty, matt and shay as well. We ended up talking for just under an hour.
I went home, did the dogs, cleaned most of the house, mainly the kitchen and lounge. I went to be at 10pm, John's girlfriend and her friend turned up at 11:30pm and banged on the doors as though they wanted to smash them down. I ignored them, they tried every door and window still banging and yelling. After about 5 mins i answered the door and screamed "WHAT!!!!??? What the fuck do you want?!?!?!!!!" at the top of my voice.
They were wanting their Id's and credit cards, trust me they hurried. I went back to bed for a while but was too cold so i got up and got my slippers and heater. Then there was a softer knock at the door, i wouldn't have heard it if i hadn't been awake. I answered the door and asked "What...?" in a "i give in" sort of tone. It was Daniel, he said "hey, sorry to wake you Dolly".
I told him he could come in, was kinda shocked to see him standing at the door, he had a bottle of stienlarger in each pocket and a guitar on his back.
He put his guitar down and i grabbed a hoodie kinda quick cos i realised my pj top only had one button. He pulled me into a hug and i asked if he was alright, he replied "I am now, i'm so glad to see you dolly".
I got about 3 hugs and he told me he'd walked here and that he'd gotten lonely.
He kept telling me that i am so awesome and that he's never met a chick like me, i'm so down to earth etc. He went outside for a smoke and i followed. He hugged me again and ended up kissing me, full on french. He told me he was wondering when i would relax around him. He said he wanted me so badly and i told him i wasn't a one night stand kinda girl, he said "I know, would it buzz you out if i said i didn't want to sleep with you?" I told him it wouldn't buzz me out, he then said "Well i do want to sleep with you but i'd be happy if i only got to sleep next to you." I told him he could sleep next to me but i wasn't going to sleep with him.
Adam and a few others pulled up and Daniel went to the toilet while i went to see what they wanted. They pulled a skid on the way out and Dan yelled at them out the window. We talked for a bit longer and he told me how kitty and matt had won over $400 at the pokie macheens and had given him $60 and how he'd actually gone inside and cried he was so greatful.
He played me part of two songs on the guitar but wasn't quite sober enough to complete them. "Two wrongs" and "Fishing for lisa".
He told me he'd done some things in his past and had been in trouble with the cops. We went to be and he cuddled me as close as he could get me. We talked some more, he told me he'd been with many women in his time, had no std's, he may have a kid, he'd be 3 if he dose exist.
He told me he wants to meet him and i told him he should. He asked me if i'd marry him and have his kids, i told him perhaps if he was lucky in a few years. He told me he could easily fall in love with me and that his life starts again when he's in love.
I told him i wasn't going to sleep with him that night and that i have my shields and would have to learn to trust him. He said that was fine but he would ned to sometime and that he only wanted me.
He did try and get into me bout 5 times, denied every time. That morning i got my period lol.
I had lots of cuddles and almost hit the roof when the alarm finally went off, he felt me ge a fright and pulled me to him saying it was alright. He said he didn't know where he was for a moment but was glad to find he was next to me.
I left him asleep while i went to work and havn't seen him since."

I tell you he has days before i get over him. I'm not like those other girls, he can't leave me hanging on the line and think he can play me. Its said he's loyal and a good guy but i guess thats everyones own oppinion. He needs to come and talk to me before he even thinks he's getting anywhere near me v.v, i ain't about to be played, he's older, 25 but that dosn't make him any better than any other guy.
Yeah i'm worried that he's at that stage in his life where he wants kids and a wife and i'm just not that girl.
I have a lot of guys after me at the moment, he needn't thing i have to settle for him. He best be cleaning his act up or finding himself back as square one with no more than a kiss to show for his trouble. I know my sisters are worried about me but its ok, i'm not going to get hurt, i feel very strong and mature right now. I've had some time to myself and its done me the world of good, i feel so much stronger in every way.
Daniel was invited to the movies the other night, he apparently went all wierd, or so kitty told me. I texted him
"Well i'm going home now, i put your guitar in kittys so it dosn't get damaged. I"m sorry you chose not to come. I wouldn't mind talking to you at some stange, i'm a bit confussed, have a good night anyhow."

When i saw him yesterday he seemed as though he wanted to talk to me but his uncle was there so he couldn't. I dunno like i said he's hard to read and yet perhaps thats what attracts me? A challange? Then again perhaps he's just one of those guys you'll meet in your life, another lilly pad on the pond.
Who knows, we'll just wait and see. Trust me i'm crying no tears for him, can't cry over what you never had right?
XD
Anyhow things are going good.
Now when mum rings up and gose on about dad i can just hold the phone away from my ear XD all i hear is "murmer murmer mutter blah blah mutter", so much better that way.
John dosn't have to go to court, the judge threw the case out so yay?
I'm still not really talking to him, i can't be bothered with him when he's been treating me like shit..i just can't be bothered with people like that in my life right now, even if its family, my shields are up and people like that are blocked out.
Hmmm Vonnie wants me to move to auckland with her, she's dead serriouss and i'll have to decide really soon.
Chazza cuz still wants me up there..
I'm a bit torn *shrug*
Dads back from fiji on the weekend..
Thats about it, oh my cats good ^^ needing lots of hugs ^-^.
I've lost quite a bit of weight, mmmm my old jeans fit, yay i don't have the money for new ones so thats a bonus!
anyhow
lylas and lylab!
Sally sis.